Twilight: an appalling lack of character development and consistency, an overused plot filled with sappy cliches and cringe-worthy writing.
I probably would have just left it at that.
However, I m so sick of hearing people obsess over Twilight that my dislike for it has been propelled into total disdain. Especially when I hear grown women swoon over Edward and my tween niece say that she wants to be like Bella.
F.Y.I. Did you know that there is an actual Facebook group "Because I read Twilight I have unrealistic expectations of men" (Insert gag sound now).
I am not going to go into the disturbing way Bella and Edward's obsessive relationship is portrayed as true love or how borderline abusive it is with Bella's lack of self confidence outside of her boyfriend. Or Edward's controlling, emotionally unstable behavior. Or what a whinny little dolt Bella is.
I am not going to go into how bland the writing is or how utterly boring the dialogue is. Bella's thoughts are obvious and yet Meyer feels the need to explain them in detail and then repeat them every few pages. It is almost patronizing how she spells everything out for the reader.
Meyer's falls flat on every possible literary level. The only commendable thing that Meyer's has accomplished is to give hope to those struggling fanfiction writers out there wanting to get their work published.
Alas, I could go on and on because this book is so, so bad.
However, the following is way more amusing.
Number of pages in this book: 498
The first hint of plot (that is not Edward & Bella's romance): page 328
When the plot actually arrives: page 372
Boys that love Bella: 5
Approximate time Bella & Edward are romantically involved before Bella is begging Edward to turn her into a vampire so they can be together forever: 2 weeks
Reference to Edward's beauty: 165!!!!!! (Adjectives such as glorious, heavenly, seraphic are used to describe Edward, even his breath)
Bella is rendered speechless by Edward's touch or beauty: 17
Bella makes reference to her clumsiness: 26 (okay, we get the point you can't hardly walk)
Bella sneers at Forks or its inhabitants: 22
Bella is desolate at Edward's absence: 12
Bella thinks she is not good enough for Edward: 6
Bellas refers to Edward as Godlike: 5
Edward sparkles: 3
Bella is in mortal danger: 3
Edward saves Bella from mortal danger: 3
Edward stalks Bella: 2
Bella kisses "cold", "marble", "granite" lips: 8 (as if that description is appealing)
Bella faints from kissing: 1 (she might have problems having sex)
Bella's heart stops: 1 (definitely going to have problems with sex)
Lines that made me laugh out loud because.......well, you'll see
I couldn't imagine how an angel could be any more glorious.
He lay perfectly still in the grass, his shirt open over his sculpted, incandescent chest, his scintillating arms bare.
The meadow, so spectacular to me, paled next to his magnifigence.
Paled! Is that a joke? Oh, she's is serious? I was afraid of that.
There are other hungers. Hungers I don't even understand, that are foreign to me.
Get a grip ,Edward. You were 17 when you were turned I am sure you now exactly what those "hungers" were. Neanderthals even knew what those "hungers" were.
I could smell the unbearably sweet fragrance coming off his chest.
Because, through the heavy water, I heard the sound of an angel calling my name , calling me to the only heaven I wanted.
Somebody slap her.
He leaned in slowly, the beeping noise accelerated wildly before his lips even touched me. but when they did, though with the most gentle of pressure, the beeping stopped altogether.
Somebody please slap her!
